Winter 2012 Tour Diarrhea part IV: The long and grinding road

After the end of Municipal Waste / Napalm Death tour in Tampa, we were feeling good about how everything had turned out on "If You're Not Wasted, The Day Is" jaunt across the good ol' US of A, even though we missed the Canadian shows. The morning after the Tampa show, Dr. Philthy, who out of necessity as our van driver maintains a sober lifestyle on the road, unwittingly ate a pot cookie, and as he is not a stoner at all, ended up being incapacitated for quite a while, so we hung out, cooked some breakfast and watched football for a few hours. Rob had gone to party at some other friends' house, so we picked him up on our way out of town. Mike was staying in Florida for a few days and flying out to meet us in California for what was supposed to be the last show of the tour in Fullerton on December 5th. But plans were about to change.

 

I woke up in the wee hours of the third of December in Spanish Fort, Alabama. We had pulled over for what I assumed was a routine piss stop, but the reason for our lack of forward progress was actually an engine problem. As soon as Dr. Philthy restarted the van and I heard how badly it was knocking, I could tell that whatever was wrong with it, it wasn't good. Not that I know much of anything about working on cars, but I've owned enough shitty cars in my day to have experienced almost every possible car problem. We were parked a few hundred feet from a Goodyear tire / repair shop and when they opened at seven am the following day, we were there, bracing for bad news. The news was even worse than we were expecting. They got the van in to take a look at it and quickly surmised that we probably needed an entirely new engine. Whoa. After giving us a ride to McDonald's to get some breakfast and coffee, they referred us to a place down the street, told us we could leave our trailer in their parking lot for as long as we needed to, and didn't charge us a cent to run the diagnostic on the van. Truly some stand up people.

 

Crash course in van surgery

The van limped down the street to Advanced Transmission. After a little false hope that we would be looking at a $700 problem, they confirmed the earlier diagnosis: we were looking at a new engine. This would be way more than what we could afford, especially after taking a pretty serious financial hit missing the Canadian shows in November. Luckily, we got some crucial help from Relapse - thanks guys! - and signed off on the repairs. To further complicate things, between getting the engine and installing it in the van, we would be in Alabama until that Friday. We managed to reschedule the Fullerton show for February, and since we would be staying in Alabama for a week, we decided to add some shows on the way home to try to stem the financial hemorrhaging we were experiencing. The folks at the transmission shop were also great, they let us loiter there for a couple of hours while we formulated a plan of action and the lady who co-owned the shop gave us her personal car to drive around while we were stuck in town, since both of their loaner cars were already out with other customers. That's what I call Southern hospitality. We gathered our personal luggage, bought a lock for our trailer hitch, and headed off to nearby Mobile, Alabama to set up camp in the very affordable and only moderately sketchy Red Roof Inn there.

They also had to pull out the front console to get everything set up.

Since we were implementing austerity measures, we stocked up on groceries and hunkered down in the hotel for an incredibly boring few days. At least the weather was nice. We took a trip to the site of the Battleship USS Alabama, which was moderately interesting, ate some continental breakfast at much nicer nearby hotels and watched basic cable.

The gang gets America on everyone's asses.

Rob Babcock, dumbass first class, reporting for doody.

The USS Alabama. History buffs... you're welcome.

We found a nearby record store and hung out there for a while, and it turned out that the guy who worked there knew who Exhumed was and actually used to hang out with Felix Havoc and the whole Minneapolis grind / crust crew back in the 90s. We also bought some very goofy records pictured below.

 

Mike arrived Thursday night, and to celebrate we went and watched the Raiders / Broncos game. I should have put "celebrate" in quotes, because that game was awful for the silver and black. We shrugged off the disappointment that has been the constant burden of Raider fans for the past several years and prepared to be reunited with our van the next day. That Friday afternoon, at long last, our van was back in action with a brand new engine and we were headed out to Lafayette Louisiana to start playing our way back home. Honestly, just to be heading westward was an incredible feeling. The show was predictably small, but we were just having fun playing and not being stuck at the Red Roof Inn. We were also treated to some delicious homemade gumbo and crawfish which was great. We partied with some locals afterward, and ended up grabbing an acoustic guitar and entertaining everyone with some off-the-cuff country covers, Merle Haggard, David Allan Coe, and a few others. Bud is a killer harmony vocalist, so that made us sound like we knew what we were doing. We then crashed at the promoter's house / compound which was awesome and had tons of room  before heading off to Space City the following day.

This dude was delicious.

Hangover hijinks with Body Bag Babcock in Lafayette, Louisiana.

 

Houston was an ideal situation because we jumped on the Bastard Deceiver show that was already happening. I was stoked to see them play again, especially since the sound wasn't all that great when they played with us in Tampa. They were predictably great. Frank from Turbokrieg set up the show, and they fucking ruled as well - great straight up powerviolence / grind. The guitarist's other band Cervical Mucous Meltdown played right before them and they were also excellent, more of ROP-era Carcass thing. The place was pretty damn full and people were raging. All in all, it was a great night. Even the guy who owned the club was really stoked and gave us a bunch of free shots at the end of the night.

 

We rolled out that night for Austin, Texas. Austin is one of those places that everything runs really, really late. We didn't even have to be there until 7:00 PM, so we had quite a bit of time to kill. Mike got tattooed by John Zig, whose killer artwork should be familiar to just about any Death Metal fan. I drank 7UP and worked through my hangover. While Mike was wrapping up, we headed to the venue and loaded in. Now that we were headlining, we could actually hang up our banners properly, which was cool. Before we played we grabbed some food at "Peruvian Creole" food truck called Llamas that was ridiculously good. I ate a cow heart. Yeah, a fucking cow heart. It was so good I went back there before we played so I could eat one of their sandwiches after the show.  The show was pretty fun and I got to catch up with some old friends, T.A. from Hod and Ancient Wisdom, Jeff from Birth AD and JT from Dixie Witch, and we headed back to Zig's place to crash out.

Medusa Tattoo in Austin.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, why did I forget to frame the shot so my stupid reflection wouldn't be in it?

Fucking cow heart. Yes!!!  Soooo tasty!

Hamilton in the chair and Zig on point, Medusa Tattoo, Austin Texas.

Finally, the correct way to put up our banners.

The drive to San Antonio the next day was pretty short, so went out to lunch at a sit-down Mexican place in Austin that was pretty good and then hit the road. We were playing downstairs at the Korova, where our old buddy Beer from Hod was working the door which was awesome. We also met Adrian from Cannibal Bitch who brought some much-appreciated barbecue and swag. The show was a little underwhelming, but we usually only play Austin or San Antonio, not both, and considering how last-minute it was, it wasn't a surprise. Regardless, it was fun, Pillcrusher was really good, and we crashed at Adrian's place. He works at the long-running and excellent Hogwild Records and had a prodigious record collection that we enjoyed nerding out on well through the night. We left early the next morning for Midland, Texas.

 

We had met the promoter, Jay, in Fort Worth when we played there in November (and where Mike broke the hotel fountain for no apparent reason) as he was a friend of our on-again / off-again merch-slinger Kevin Stewart-Panko. Jay was a stand up dude who put us up in a local motel and brought us beer, water and snacks there. The show was in a totally DIY space, and the only drawback of that was that it was seriously fucking cold. The show was pretty fun, not a barnburner, but far from shitty. And it was in Midland Texas, so we weren't exactly thinking "Wacken Open Air" going into it. We crashed out in the hotel briefly and got some rest for the long drive to Albuquerque.

The last drum head art I did on the tour... This one actually turned out to be my favorite.

Again, we didn't have to be in Albuquerque particularly early, since the venue, the Launchpad was hosting a wedding for the day / evening. We got there in the early evening, got our usual meal vouchers for the excellent Blackbird Buvette down the street (one of the many nice things about playing the Launchpad) and chowed down before the show. I started getting back on a healthier eating track after all the cow hearts and Texas barbecue I had rashly consumed the preceding week. The show was pretty good, especially considering how last minute everything was. We were all getting anxious to get home at this point, so we headed straight from the venue to Arizona to return our trailer to the U-Haul we had rented it from in Chandler (right near Arcane digital recording) and exchange it for another, one-way rental, trailer for the last few days. That wouldn't have been too bad if we were headed for LA like a sensible band, but we were playing Vegas that night, so it was definitely a detour.

Gas Station in Roswell, en route to Albuquerque. UFO conspiracy idiots - you're welcome.

Dr. Philthy, a not-so-little green man, and Rob.

There was also an awful lot of this on the way home.

The Rob Babcock garage sale extravaganza! We've got oven mitts, we've got headphones, if it's on the table, we'll sell it. Hugs are still free, though.

Detour or not, I was stoked to wake up in balmy Phoenix. The 80 degree weather was a welcome change from the 20s and 30s we had experienced the preceding few days. We didn't end up returning the trailer, they just inspected it and re-rented it to us as a one-way rental which was convenient. After some pho for lunch, we were on our merry way to Las Vegas. Our show was right near the "Fremont Street Experience" at a really nice venue with a great sound system. That said, the room was obviously way too big for us. We were in the same room Soulfly would be playing. The show was okay though, and Spun In Darkness are always killer to watch. We were all really tired by this point, and focused on getting the fuck home. As soon as we were loaded out, we were psyched to be on the road into California.

 

The next day, we were finally back in the golden state. Before we got into LA, we hit a Bass Pro Shop for our free picture with Santa. Luckily we still had the goofy Xmas sweaters we had bought in Atlanta. I think the picture turned out pretty damn good. That night, we played at the Key Club, and the show was moved at the last minute from the small room to the big room due to a cancellation upstairs. We had our friends in Gravehill, POOR, and Apoplexy on the bill and we were just super psyched to be almost done. We played a really long set that night, since we had our sometimes front-of-house guy Alejandro with us. The show was a little underwhelming, but we had just played LA less than a month before at House Of Blues, and it was raining (which in LA is a totally normal reason to not go to a show - even the Rainbow wasn't that crowded for a Saturday night due to the rain). Regardless we had a lot of fun hanging with friends and draining a bottle of Grey Goose, some Fireball, and some Schnapps (the last two are Xmas booze, in case you're wondering why our drinks weren't manlier). We grabbed a few more drinks at the Rainbow after the show and headed south to crash with some friends in Carlsbad, just north of San Diego.

Talking moose. Yup.

Stupid picture + clip art + logo = win. You owe it to yourself to view the full sized image so you can be blown away by Rob's sweater vest.

We had finally reached the last show of the tour... I woke up weakened - hungover and feeling like I had a cold or something from fatigue and all the different altitude / climate changes of the last few days. After a refreshing barf, I spent the early afternoon hanging out on the couch watching episodes of Cheers on Netflix, which should put anyone in a good mood. We got to the venue, The Yard, around 4 that afternoon. The Yard is the ultimate DIY spot - it's a converted backyard. Luckily, the trademark great weather of San Diego came through yet again and it was pretty nice out for the show. We were all really burnt and laid around the green room (a living room) until it was go time, eating delicious vegan shepherd's pie and catching up with friends from Disgorge and Noisear.  Before the show started, we were all feeling like we should have just wrapped things up in LA and gone home, but once we got onstage, we had a great time. The environment there was really like a party, and the kids were going ape-shit. It ended up being the perfect ending for the whole tour, with Dr. Philthy pouring blood on the kids from the roof. We dropped off Bud at his sister's place in San Diego and headed back to Carlsbad and hit the local watering hole where Rob made friends, then enemies, then friends again with some gang members (a guy with a neck tattoo, bandana, and probably a gun, told me that he loved Rob) and then concluded the night with some burritos. The next morning, we woke up stoked that the whole trek was finally drawing to a close. We ate a hearty breakfast, dropped Rob off at his new apartment in Santa Ana, then deposited Deedee, our merch girl for last two shows, at her home in Los Angeles. Then the good doctor, Mike, and myself continued the drive north to San Luis Obispo County.

 

Finally, a store that sums up my personal philosophy. Who would have thought it would be in San Diego?

All in all it was a killer tour and a lot of fun. I want to take a minute here to especially thank a few people who made it awesome. First off, Relapse for coming through in the clutch, secondly our agent Dan Rozenblum for throwing two separate weeks of shows together at the last possible second, all the promoters that stuck their neck out for us taking these last minute shows, and most importantly - all the killer humanoids who made it out to in Buffalo, Kent, Denver, Cheyenne, Salt Lake City, Boise, Lafayette, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Midland, Albuquerque, Las Vegas, Hollywood, and San Diego - you guys showed us a lot of love and support when we were in some tight spots and we really appreciate it. Without you guys there, those shows would've sucked!  Anyway, that about wraps up our year. Even though I didn't get to write about all of our misadventures throughout the year, you should have a pretty decent idea of what we're all about and our various trials, tribulations, and triumphs on the road. There are definitely more updates to come, so see you next time, true believers! Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

 

Excelsior!

- Matt and the boys.

 

Fall / Winter tour diary part III: The never-ending party (?) grinds on, and on, and on...

Let's pick up where we left off, shall we... 

November 20^th, Nashville, TN

We were playing the same venue in Nashville that we were at a few months prior with Cannibal Corpse, the Exit Inn, but this time, we arrived in town much earlier. We decided to head downtown to check out the heart of music city USA. It was kind of cool, very kitschy. We ran into the Speedwolf guys at the Ernest Tubbs record store (which carried both kinds of music, country and western), checked out an awesome vintage guitar shop and ate some amazing barbecue not far from the club. I know I started off the last update by saying I was eating healthier and cutting back on meat, but this was an occasion that definitely called for eating some serious red meat. I ate something called Cowboy Sushi, which was a chunk of hot link with a jalepeno inside, wrapped in a strip of barbecued beef brisket. If you think that sounds amazing, you are correct. At any rate, we finally moseyed over to the venue and were still a bit early. Kevin and I went and checked out a weird old bookstore across the street that had been closed the last time we were in town. The bookstore was plastered with right wing clippings, cartoons, Romney / Ryan stickers, and also had signs everywhere banning cell phone use, loud children, unsupervised children, etc. etc. Needless to say, it was not a friendly atmosphere. That said, the place was crammed full of old books. Almost half the store was Civil War history (I wonder whose side the owners were on?) and most of the books were at least 50-60 years old. Between a hesher in tight black jeans and a leather jacket and a half-black Canadian, we got a lot of dirty looks from the old man who presumably owned the place. At any rate, it was finally time to load in and get settled at the venue. We finally got our whirling saw blade props up and running, after carrying them around for a couple of weeks since the Vermont show. The show itself was pretty decent, not mind-blowing but definitely solid. We partied for a while after the show and Dave Witte turned me on to some of his private reserve stash of extremely unusual and unusually strong micro-brews. Somehow I went from kinda drunk to severely wasted instantly. By the time we got in the van a little while later I was super riled up and wanted to rage. The other dudes were seriously wondering if I was on coke, PCP or what. I started blaring classic Death Metal albums and pounding on the dashboard screaming along at the top of my lungs and being a very obnoxious jackass. I'm a bit hazy on the rest of the night, but it may have involved some random vandalism on my part, and it definitely ended (for me anyway) with a meal at Waffle House where I finally started to calm down before the imminent passing-out to come.

I did manage to find this gem among the racks of country. A true diamond in the rough!

It's okay to eat meat when it's cooked in a giant choo-choo shaped BBQ, right?

This dude definitely knows what he's doing!

Dave Witte - his seemingly bottomless craft beer arsenal will getcha!

Mike surveys his handiwork, mounting our fancy spinning saw-blades at last.

November 21^st, Lexington, KY

We got to Lexington pretty early in the morning and met some folks that knew some other folks Bud had met in Vermont. We had parked at their place, which is where I woke up, cotton-mouthed and confused. I met the dudes that lived there and we walked quite a ways to where the other Exhumed guys had gone to get some coffee. After killing some time, we headed to the venue, which was really close by. I learned that Dave had given me Barley Wine the previous night, which I will absolutely pin all my obnoxious behavior on. It was Dave's fault! Whatever it was, whew... Anyway, the show was pretty cool, a lot better vibe for us than the Summer Slaughter stop there without Cannibal Corpse had been. After the show we headed to our buddy Mark's house. We had met Mark when he was doing sound on the Black Dahlia Murder Canadian tour we did earlier this summer and we hung out with him, his brother and some of their friends watching Robocop and Poultrygeist and drinking Jack Daniels well into the early morning.

Bud gets cozy in Kentucky

November 22^nd, Day off

Holidays are never that cool when you're on tour, unless you're headlining and you route to your Mom's house or something. The next day's show was in Richmond, VA, Municipal Waste's hometown, so they had planned well and were probably already home by the time we left Lexington around noon. We stopped at Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving lunch / dinner, figuring that would be the closest to a home-cooked all-American meal we would be likely to find off the interstate. My mom approved of our choice of restaurants so I guess we did okay. We stopped to break up the drive and watch some football in Charleston, West Virginia. We ordered a couple of towers of beer, and ended up meeting a couple of flight attendants who came over and partied with us for a while. They had a tower of some fancy beer that we helped them dispose of pretty quickly. One of the flight attendants got pretty sloshed and then they went out for some “fresh air” and totally took off, ditching out on their bill entirely. Luckily the waiter was pretty cool and didn't charge us for their drinks. When we got gas a little later, we met a hilarious redneck gas station attendant who was bemoaning the lack of good methamphetamines in his area and his unwillingness to use his nephew's drug hookup because his nephew was just a kid. Slice of Americana right there. Without further incident, we headed out for Richmond VA.

November 23^rd, Richmond VA

We rolled into Richmond really early, and I was inexplicably awake at around six AM. That is not like me at all. At any rate, since we were so early and it was black friday, I decided it would be as good a time as any (and hopefully cheaper than most) to get a laptop. By the time we got to Best Buy around nine in the morning, the real maniacs had already done their shopping and it was a fairly sane shopping experience. Since we had so much time to kill, we headed to Barnes and Nobles for some free wifi. I dicked around on my computer for a few hours while the guys checked out the mall, got coffee and whatever else they do. At any rate, eventually I got in a nap, and we were at our late load-in with plenty of time to spare. This would be the last day of the tour with Kevin Stewart-Panko along for the ride. He was unexpectedly called away with a family emergency. This is the second tour we've done with him, and he hasn't finished either of them. Was it something we said? Was it my incessant farting in the van? At any rate, there was a matinee show at the club before ours so we couldn't even load in until 8PM, and of course it was a total clusterfuck. But it was worth it. The kids were going apeshit, and the place was packed. I managed to sneak out for a beer or two with Albert Mudrian, author of “Choosing Death” and Decibel magazine's intrepid editor-in-chief. It was good to get caught up and look at his oh-so-cute baby pictures. After the show, we dropped Kevin off at the airport in Richmond and headed south for Bud's house in Charlotte, NC.

November 24^th, Charlotte NC

We got there early in the morning and headed into Bud's pad to get some inside sleep while Bud caught up with friends in town. By the time he came back I had slept and showered and we were ready to head to the venue, the Tremont Music Hall. We had done a very underwhelming headlining show there, but tonight was much better. I think after coming back with Cannibal and again with Napalm Death we might be starting to get a little traction in Charlotte. A friend of Bud's brought us her Thanksgiving leftovers which were much appreciated. The green bean casserole was great even cold. At any rate, the show was cool, and afterward we headed to Bud's local watering hole, The Thirsty Beaver, to have a couple of beers until last call. We ended the night on Bud's couch and recliner before an early van call for the drive to Chattanooga Tennessee.

Two of my favorite drummers not named Mike Hamilton, Danny Walker, or  Col Jones - in Charlotte, NC

November 25^th, Chattanooga TN

I woke up at a Wal-Mart where were getting our oil changed. Now I know that Wal-Mart is an atrocious corporation that preys on small towns by destroying local business infrastructure and reducing the average wage level to below the poverty line, but when you're on tour, it helps to buy goods and services at national chains because you can actually take advantage of their warranties and return policies no matter where you are in the country. At any rate, this seemingly trivial detail will attain at least a semblance of significance as you read on. So... This show had been moved from Knoxville to Chattanooga due to the venue in Knoxville getting shut down. The place in Chattanooga was a tiny bar with very little PA or any space for staging equipments, banners, etc. We were all stoked when we saw it. Especially after having so much fun “roughing it” in Buffalo, Denver and Cheyenne we were excited for such an up-close and personal kind of show. Again loading in and out wasn't particularly easy, but after getting everything figured out as far as sharing equipment to minimize logistical hassles, we headed off to grab some food at the Yellow Deli, another find from the Happy Cow app. The food was killer, and we headed back to the venue ready to have some fun. The show had a great energy, and when Reed from Speedwolf dedicated “I Can't Die” to a biker in attendance, things really got going. It was one of the many nights after Oakland where I kept thinking I might end up going to get more stitches in my lip. Thankfully, Steve, who was running sound for us and Napalm Death on the tour, helped me keep the microphone and my face more or less out of harm's way. I met a super nice kid named Dave who gave me his band Aortic's cover of “Decrepit Crescendo” on CD, which was not only accurate but pretty well done. The place was so small that after we played, I hung out in the merch area most of the rest of the night where we worked on a bottle of whiskey and somehow ended up leaving with a mounted boar's head. Good times. While I was sippin' Tennessee whiskey, Mike Hamilton was regulating shit next door during the Municipal Waste set. Mike was onstage trying to help Dave with his kit during one of their songs, and got dragged into the pit, almost getting into a brawl until Tony stopped the song and explained the situation. Later that night, we ended up crashing at some dude's apartment with the Speedwolf guys. The apartment was a little weird because a) there was no toilet paper / paper towels / tissues anywhere and b) the room Dr. Philthy stayed in had a strap-on dildo on the dresser. We had to split pretty early the next day so we didn't even get a chance to thank him or get an idea of what kind of freaky shit goes on there on a daily basis. We may never know, and that's totally okay with us.

November 26^th, Birmingham AL

We had to split earlier than we'd planned from the casa de strap-on due to Wal-Mart never giving our keys back after yesterday's oil change. After going about 40 minutes in the opposite direction, we got on the road to Alabama in earnest. Again, we were at the same venue we had played earlier with Cannibal Corpse, so it wasn't too much of a surprise. This time we skipped the cool downtown area with the hilarious statue of the goat man reading books to the little animals and just hung out at the venue once we got there. The show was cool, not as intense as when we played with Cannibal, but still a really fun vibe. Nothing too incredibly interesting happened, so onto New Orleans...

Barney making one of his 1 zillion guest appearances, this one with Municipal Waste on "United Forces" in Alabama. 

November 27^th, New Orleans LA

The last time we had played in New Orleans we made a grievous mistake before the show. We headed to Bourbon Street for “a couple of beers” at around 2 in the afternoon. Needless to say by the time we played ten hours later, Rob could barely stand and the rest of us could barely play. We left the show angry and wasted in the pouring rain. We were determined to not repeat that experience and to make it up to the folks that attended the last show – which may have been the worst show I've played since high school. We instituted a self-imposed ban – Exhumed is not allowed in New Orleans until seven PM. We killed time about a half hour away soaking up our hangovers, scouting for more stage props (unsuccessfully) and of course, sitting in the van. By the time we got into town, it was time for load-in. Our plan worked and the show turned out to be really fun. They had totally revamped the kitchen at Siberia for the better. Dinner was delicious, and after we played I got a killer asparagus sandwich, anticipating the need to soak up the undoubtedly copious amount of alcohol in store. After the show, we headed to the outskirts of Bourbon street with most of the Municipal crew, Mitch from Napalm, and the Speedwolf guys. Interesting things that happened that night / morning: Reed from Speedwolf bounced a guy out of a bar, not sure why; a random dude in a suit gave me 10 dollars to monopolize the jukebox with; Rob almost fought a guy because Rob didn't like his bike; Bud got up to piss after passing out and left his shorts in an alley; and, to top it off, we saw a bad-ass midget on the ride to a friend's house at around 7am.

November 28^th, Day off

We woke up sometime in the afternoon and headed into the Garden district to get some excellent Mexican Food (not like barrio style, more like Mexican fusion, but fucking delicious) at Juan's Flying Burrito, which is becoming something of a tradition for New Orleans mornings for us (even though our New Orleans mornings usually start after 2PM) and hung out loafing until around six in the evening when traffic on the way out of town died down. It was a long drive to Jacksonville, Florida that I was eager to sleep through. We did manage to get pulled over for the first time on that drive, for failure to stop at an agricultural inspection station. The State Trooper turned out to be a pretty cool good ol' boy and we went along our way without ticket or further incident.

November 29^th, Jacksonville FL

Now, anyone that knows me knows that Florida is not one of my favorite states, classic Death Metal notwithstanding, but in late November, Jacksonville is an awesome place to be. I gleefully donned shorts for the first time in a couple of weeks, did laundry and then we headed to Jacksonville beach for a few minutes of sea and sand before finally checking out the latest James Bond flick, Skyfall. I love Bond movies in general and really enjoyed this one as well. At any rate, after the movie, we headed to the venue which was in a weird strip mall kind of place. The venue was huge and cavernous, with multiple stages and rooms but seemed very unorganized and set up really oddly. At any rate, the show wasn't all that great, but it was a good day, the weather was nice and we had some good Mexican food for dinner near the venue where Shane from Napalm ate an enormous burrito in one go. Now we know how he got the Brujeria gig. We were all psyched to hang out with friends in Atlanta so we hopped in the van and got moving pretty soon after the show.

Jacksonville Beach, FL. Beautiful place.

Vern, Napalm's drum tech takes on a formidable burrito challenge in Jacksonville.

November 30^th, Atlanta GA

Again, we got there very early. It seemed like all the drives toward the end of the tour were just a bit too long to stay in the town we played in, but short enough to where we seemed to arrive at around seven or eight in the morning the following day. At any rate, we woke up and headed to Little Five Points to hang out for a bit. We picked up some supremely ugly Christmas sweaters at a thrift shop, poked around some other stores, ate lunch at an excellent natural foods store in the neighborhood where I got an amazing jerk-style tempeh sandwich that was one of my favorite things I've eaten all tour. After that we hung out with Mike (Longoria) from Withered and checked out their jam space until it was time to load in. The club was a new place I'd never heard of or played before but the it was really nice. Next to the club was an event facility where a swanky wedding was taking place. Apparently the wedding was being filmed for a reality show about weddings which was odd, but there were a lot of well-dressed, good looking women going in and out of there all night which was cool. I met up with my old buddy John Mincemoyer who writes for Iron Fist and Terrorizer (among others through the years) who took us to Mellow Mushroom for some pizza. Their spinach and feta pizza was killer. The show went over really well, and afterward, I headed off with Mike (Thompson) from Withered and our Mike (Hamilton, for those of you keeping a tally of all the Mikes in my life) to another bar for a quick drink, then we made it back to the venue in time for a killer beer / meat tasting hosted by micro-brew master Dave Witte and a friend of his who is a professional butcher. It was cool hanging with Brann from Mastodon and the Royal Thunder crew as well, all while enjoying some delicious meat like blood sausage, pork pate with pistachio and pork skin, hand sliced prosciutto and other exotic carnivorous delights alongside Dave's extensive selection of beers, everything from stout to sour to porter to you-name-it. I cracked a couple more beers with Ryan and Phil on the Municipal Waste bus before we took off for Tampa that night – our last night on tour with Municipal and Napalm.

Ted gets a little TLC in Atlanta. Poor guy's been through a lot!

Beer and meat tasting prep. Yum!

Brann from Mastodon and Bud - Contamination tour 1999 reunion!

December 1^st, Tampa FL

We woke up in Tampa at Rob Barrett from Cannibal Corpse's place, where his lovely wife received us and made us an amazing lunch. Rob was on tour of course, but his lady was a great host. By the time we headed to Ybor City for load in we were fed, showered and had managed to watch some Dirty Harry movies. It was the last night of the tour for us and Speedwolf, and it was definitely a celebration. The show was kicked off by Bastard Deceiver, an awesome grind / crust band from Tampa, which was an excellent surprise. We organized another group stage-dive during “Suffer The Children”, and as I watched Napalm's last song, “Instinct of Survival” from the side of the stage, Shane walked over and handed me his bass so I finished the song out with the band, which was awesome. While that happened, the other Exhumed and Municipal guys came out and started doing jumping jacks. It was definitely a party vibe. We were all bummed to not be continuing on to Miami and the cruise, but looking forward to heading home and getting some rest. Between the recording, Japan, and the tour, none of us had really been in our own beds since September. Of course, that didn't stop us from heading down the street to the Boneyard for more drinks. Toward the end, somehow country started dominating the juke box and it ended up being us and Speedwolf singing along to David Allan Coe (and even a Garth Brooks song, I admit it) and being drunk idiots. We headed back into town to crash out at a friend of Mike's and get psyched for the loooooong drive home. The drive would end up being quite a bit longer than we anticipated, but we'll get into all that in the next installment of the continuing adventures of the drunk, dumb and ugly that is our collective life on the road.

Body bag in the swamp. At least his beard is right at home.

Barney guesting on "Iron Fist" with Speedwolf in Tampa. 

Last pic of Barney, I swear! Barney and I at the afterparty at the Boneyard in Tampa. 

'Til next time – face front, true believers!

Cheers,

Matt and the lads

"If You're Not Wasted, The Day Is" Tour diarrhea part II: The Wrath of Khan

11/7 Salt Lake City, UT

I woke up that morning in a Target parking lot, dragged my ass out of the van and got some snacks from the store. One thing I've really worked on for this tour has been changing my diet. As you can probably guess, we don't live the healthiest of lifestyles. Between binge drinking, unpredictable sleeping / hygiene opportunities, crazy weather / altitude changes, and everything else, it's pretty tough to stay healthy on tour. Dr. Philthy had been pulling marathon drives for most of the tour with a constant stuffy nose, and we are constantly sore and tired. Not to whine, but just to kind of give you an idea of what goes on. For me personally, I've always had a lot of digestion problems and have been bemoaning my inability to fit into my original Sodom “Obsessed By Cruelty” shirt for some time now, so I decided to change my diet. Hey, it's way easier than not drinking. I've been eating about 85% vegetarian on this tour, vegan when I can. Meat only when it's really good / unusual or I'm incredibly hungover. It's been working. I've had less intense hangovers, fewer digestive issues and have been generally been feeling better. Furthermore Barney from Napalm, who is vegan, turned me onto an app called Happy Cow that helps you find vegan / veggie food anywhere on the planet. Pretty badass. Anyway, I digress. The point is that my breakfast was an apple and one of those Kind bars. Those things are awesome. We headed into town after trying to figure out how to mount the two motorized spinning saw blades we picked up in Vermont and picking up our erstwhile merch guy / tour manager Kevin Stewart-Panko from the airport. Tonight's show was with Skeletonwitch, Havok and Mutilation Rites, so we were stoked. The turnout was pretty good for SLC, but as we were playing, we quickly realized that it was not a Death Metal kind of crowd at all. Both us and Mutilation Rites seemed to generate more confusion than excitement amongst the audience. Luckily, we were able to avoid the watered down Mormon beer and have a good time hanging out with our friends in Havok and Skeletonwitch, as well as get to know the Mutilation Rites dudes as well. We stayed at a house in town and things got pretty ridiculous. The 48 beers we bought from the store were slain pretty quickly, as well as some Evan Williams and some other stuff that I can't exactly remember at the moment. We headed to the van bleary-eyed that morning and found ourselves in a winter wonderland. To many of you guys reading, that may not be interesting at all, but to a bunch of California dudes, there's a definite novelty factor there.

Salt Lake City Snow Action.

11/8 Boise, ID

Every tour has that one show that you expect to be underwhelmed by and you're right. That was Boise. The show we did there a while back with Goatwhore was very middling, but fun, and we knew that tonight would not be a night of rock 'n roll triumph. We did however have a good time playing for the handful of people that made it out, and they were clearly stoked on the show. We didn't stick around for too long as the ride to Seattle might be fraught with snow as well, and being from California, we try to avoid driving in snow as much as we can. The drive proved to be a bit nerve-wracking and very fucking cold, but manageable.

11/9 Seattle, WA

This show was a combined show, pairing Municipal Waste, Napalm Death, and ourselves with the Gwar / Devildriver / Cancer Bats tour, which meant an early load-in, but our intrepid pilot, Dr. Philthy not only made it with time to spare but also found time to visit the town where one of his favorite TV shows, “Northern Exposure” was filmed. Of course, the rest of slept through all that completely. Seeing the Gwar stage setup was pretty amazing and inspiring. There is a lot of production that goes into a show that elaborate, and it was neat to see the behind-the-scenes. As much as we try to provide entertainment along with the music (?) we play, it's not even in the same universe as what those guys do night after night. Seattle is always fun and a good show, and this one was no exception. We went on right before Cancer Bats and had the rest of the night to get into trouble. We hung out with our agent, Dan Rozenblum and his charming wife, as well as some friends from Skarp and Scotty from Tank Crimes Records who joined the tour for the West Coast dates. After a certain point, I lost large chunks of what happened. I know we went to a bar across the street where a bunch of Husky fans were partying after the game. Rob passed out on the floor of the bar, which did not go over well with the bouncers. The bouncers' displeasure did not go over well with Mike Hamilton, but luckily for all, a confrontation was narrowly avoided. We left the bar, and then went on Napalm's bus for a drink or two... I'm sure there was more retardation throughout the night but I'm at a loss as to the details. Rob and Bud hung out with the Gwar guys a bit, which I'm sure was cool. I passed out at some point, which is probably best for everyone.

Gwar Props in Seattle. Sorry, my new phone's camera has no flash.

 

November 11, Portland OR

I always like to do the West Coast from South to North, because the party in Seattle is always a corker. Usually if you route your tour that way, you'll have a day off between Seattle and Denver or wherever you're going to recuperate. This tour was routed North to South (which is how it's been the last two times we've been around those parts) so that usually means Portland gets the hangover show. This one wasn't too bad though. Plus, I finally got to see Wehrmacht, a band I've listened to for years and years. They sounded great and gave me a huge shot of energy for our set, which went down really well. We got to hang out with the Relapse crew and some old friends, so that made the night awesome. Matt Jacobson, founder of Relapse, now owns a couple of kick ass pizza parlors in PDX called Sizzle Pie and he brought a few pies to the show which were delicious as always. We hopped in the van to prepare for the long and potentially treacherous drive to Oakland the next day.

Hamilton makes a friend on the drive from PDX to Oaktown.

 

November 12, Oakland, CA

I love playing in the Bay Area. Even though I haven't lived there in a few years, it will always be my hometown. I was especially proud that the biggest turnout of the entire tour was in Oakland – over 940 people came out on a Monday night – and that's not counting the 100+ guests of the tour package. The line was around two blocks, and the Metro was a bit understaffed to handle it, which resulted in our friends in Impaled playing to not nearly as many people as they should have been. Attitude Adjustment was awesome, another band I've been waiting years to see, and then it was our turn. I have to admit to a certain amount of satisfaction in saying “We're Exhumed from fucking San Jose” and people actually know where that is and cheer. The set went over great, and kids were stagediving all over the place. For the closer, “The Matter of Splatter” which we segued into our cover of Siege's “Drop Dead” I ended up getting hit in the face by the microphone, which actually split my lip. I have a history of trying to be too rock 'n roll about things and it not having good results. I used to have really straight teeth until I decided to not take my wisdom teeth out, for example, now my bottom teeth look like a British person's. This time I figured I should really spring for a trip to the hospital.

Exhumed past / present - Ross Sewage, Rob "Body Bag" Babcock, Yours Truly, and Derrel Houdashelt

 

I got in the car with our original second guitar player, Derrel Houdashelt and headed to the Alamdea Hospital where I eventually got 7 stitches in my face. It was not really all that fun, but at least I won't be getting any uglier. Needless to say with the hospital action, I missed the rest of the show, but I'm sure it was amazing. Luckily, Eli's Mile High club was hospitable enough to let us all after-party there, where we drank well past closing time with a bunch of familiar faces. Needing to drink with a straw was a great excuse to keep ordering Johnnie Walker on the rocks, and having my face busted up was a great incentive for people to buy me drinks. Talk about silver lining! We headed for Southern California sauced and happy, looking forward to seeing more old friends for shenanigans and stupidity.

Check out my rad face.

 

November 13, Santa Ana, CA

We drove straight past LA and on to Orange County for a show with my favorite Death / Grind band ever, Repulsion. As if a bill with Municipal Waste and Napalm Death wasn't awesome enough. Despite my swollen mouth, spirits were high when I woke up in Burbank. We finished the rest of the drive and compiled our extensive guest list at the Observatory. It was awesome to see Gordon Conrad (MW's manager, and former VP of operations at Relapse for like, ever), especially since he's such a salty east coast dude and so out of his element out west. He seemed more relaxed than I've seen him in years which was nice. I hung out for most of the night with Col and Marissa from Repulsion as well as some of the Gravehill dudes, our old drummer Danny Walker, and tons of others. I didn't even see all the people we had on the guest list – it was a pretty crazy night. We grabbed some beer and crashed at Col and Marissa's hotel – thanks by the way! The drive from Santa Ana to LA was very brief and easy the following day so we proceeded to get plowed and obnoxious. As usual.

Repulsion doing "Maggots In Your Coffin" with Barney in Santa Ana

 

Two of my favorite people, Col Jones (Repulsion,Dekapitator, Mortuous. ex-Exhumed) and Mike Abominator (Gravehill, ex-Gasp, etc)

Slaughtercult Cupcakes - Slaughtercups - made by Christina Shaw! Thanks!!!

 

November 14, Hollywood, CA

Like I said, we had plenty of time to kill before the show. We headed to Amoeba, and I finally got some records I'd been dying to get- new stuff from Stars, Guided By Voices, Hammock, and The X-X. Sorry, that's about as non-metal as it gets, but that's mostly what I listen to. Anyway... after some record shopping, we had lunch and headed down the strip to the House Of Blues. Between Summer Slaughter and Death To All, this was my third time that year in that venue, and I still keep getting lost. At least the decent food served at HOB offsets the overpriced drinks, totally contrived atmosphere and cheeseball LA-ness of the place. That and the kids being awesome. My amp had been continually giving me problems for a couple of weeks, and my old friend Leon del Muerte was kind enough to loan me his backup amp for the rest of the tour, a solid state Line 6 which doesn't have the greatest tone in the world, but is incredibly durable and dependable. That was a big relief. The show was killer and we were surrounded by old friends. Another friend, Joel from Toxic Holocaust hopped on the Municipal Waste bus in LA for a few days of the tour. It was good to get to see him again and hang out a bit. Once again, our intrepid agent Dan Rozenblum was there and we decided to crash his posh hotel at the Beverly Hilton, drink his minibar, and be total dicks until about 7am. We had the next day off, so what the heck?

Dave Witte and Chris Dodge outside House Of Blues in Hollywood. Totally rad!

 

November 15, Day Off

The Municipal Waste dudes had talked to us about heading to a Jimmy Kimmel taping with them on our day off, and we figured it would be fun. We were all still pretty hungover by the time we got to the studio (right across from Mann's Chinese Theater) in Hollywood, but once Mel Brooks, that night's guest came out, I was beyond fucking pumped! The guy that created Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, Spaceballs, and High Anxiety – right there in the same studio! He was funny, charming, engaging and sharp as a tack despite being 86 years old. After the show, we grabbed food and drinks at Hooters and I remembered why I never ever eat there and want to resume doing that. Despite that, it was a good fucking time. Then we all cabbed it over to the Comedy Store for some stand-up. We were repeatedly called out by the comedians – one dude called our group “Biker Rapists On Vacation” which is an excellent movie title that I've already copyrighted. I'll keep you posted on the script. Anyway, we topped it off with a couple of drinks at the Rainbow and grabbed a cab back to the van to head to Phoenix.

November 16, Tempe AZ

We arrived at Ryan Butler's home in the morning, and it felt like as close as we would get to being home for quite some time. After recording “Necrocracy” there, I've spent more time at his place in the last few months than I have at my own house. We took some quick showers and power naps and then headed to Tempe (basically a district in Phoenix) for what would turn out to be one of the strongest shows of the tour. Arizona is hit and miss for us it seems, but this night was definitely a hit. We played to a packed house of manic stage-divers, got shitfaced with a ton of friends, and I didn't eat anyone's hat. Joel Grind joined the Muniwaste dudes for a rendition of “Nuke the Cross” which was a cool little rare treat. All in all, an excellent night. We were pretty smashed when we got ready to leave, having taken numerous shots and whatever else, at one point Rob, Mike and I were all in the urinal, and Rob decided to turn his “sprinkler” on us and chase us while peeing. Classy. We were going to steal a few hours of sleep at Butler's, but Mike got too drunk and couldn't remember where the key was stashed, so we ended up passed out in front of his house for a couple hours before heading off to El Paso.

Drawing on Drum Heads - it's what I do in my spare time.

November 17, El Paso, TX

El Paso is always a cool place to play, and the House of Rock is a cool venue. They always treat us well and have pretty good sound, so I was stoked for the show. The turnout was solid and kids were definitely psyched, which makes our job pretty easy. As usual, after the show was over, the bar accommodated the bands and we got loaded, doing shots and whatever else people were handing us. Good stuff.

November 18, Ft. Worth, TX

I swear we've only had two really good shows in the Dallas / Ft. Worth area throughout our entire touring history, and those were with Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corpse, respectively. Anyway, the show was okay, but again, for whatever reason, we've never really had a big fanbase in Dallas. We managed to have a good time anyway, there was plenty of beer upstairs and some random people to fuck with, so all's well that end's well. I passed out relatively early that night, and when the other guys got in the van, we noticed that Bud's face was a bit messed up. Somewhere, somehow he fell flat on his face. When I asked him what happened, he simply replied “I don't know, I just woke up and my pillow was all bloody”. Another day in the life.

November 19, Day off

We pretty much drove all day, stopped for a late lunch in Little Rock and then watched the Niner game on Monday Night Football at TGI Fridays. Again, I was reminded why I only order appetizers there.

 

Dr. Philthy proves that home is where you find it on tour. Rest area somewhere between Texas and Tennessee.

In the interest of everyone's attention span, I'll pick up in Nashville in the next couple of days. Thanks for reading and bleeding with us. Cheers!

- Matt and the lads